THE COMEDY OF ERRORS

Act 3 Scene 1

(Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, his man Dromio, Angelo the goldsmith, and Balthasar the merchant)
l1l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	 Good Signor Angelo, you must excuse us all.
l2l		My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours.
l3l		Say that I lingered with you at your shop
l4l		To see the making of her carcanet,
l5l		And that tomorrow you will bring it home.—
l6l		But here’s a villain that would face me down
l7l		He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
l8l		And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
l9l		And that I did deny my wife and house.
l10l		Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
l11l	Dromio Of Ephesus	Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know—
l12l		That you beat me at the mart I have your hand to show.
l13l		If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
l14l		Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
l15l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	I think thou art an ass.
	Dromio Of Ephesus	Marry, so it doth appear
l16l		By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
l17l		I should kick being kicked, and, being at that pass,
l18l		You would keep from my heels, and beware of an ass.
l19l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	You’re sad, Signor Balthasar. Pray God our cheer
l20l		May answer my good will, and your good welcome here.
l21l	Balthasar	I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
l22l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	O, Signor Balthasar, either at flesh or fish
l23l		A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
l24l	Balthasar	Good meat, sir, is common# that every churl affords.
l25l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	And welcome more common, for that’s nothing but words.
l26l	Balthasar	Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
l27l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Ay, to a niggardly host and more sparing guest.
l28l		But though my cates be mean, take them in good part.
l29l		Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
l30l		But soft, my door is locked.
		(To Dromio)
		 Go bid them let us in.
l31l	Dromio Of Ephesus	(calling)
		 Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
		(Enter Dromio of Syracuse within the Phoenix)
l32l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
l33l		Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
l34l		Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store
l35l		When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.
l36l	Dromio Of Ephesus	What patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
l37l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within)
		 Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on ’s feet.
l38l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Who talks within there? Ho, open the door!
l39l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 Right, sir, I’ll tell you when, an you’ll tell me wherefore.
l40l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Wherefore? For my dinner—I have not dined today.
l41l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 Nor today here you must not. Come again when you may.
l42l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	What art thou that keep’st me out from the house I owe?
l43l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
l44l	Dromio Of Ephesus	O villain, thou hast stol’n both mine office and my name.
l45l		The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
l46l		If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
l47l		Thou wouldst have changed thy pate for an aim, or thy name for an ass.
		(Enter Nell within the Phoenix)
l48l	Nell	(within the Phoenix)
		 What a coil is there, Dromio? Who are those at the gate?
l49l	Dromio Of Ephesus	Let my master in, Nell.
	Nell	
		(within the Phoenix)
		 Faith no, he comes too late#
l50l		And so tell your master.
	Dromio Of Ephesus	O Lord, I must laugh.
l51l		Have at you with a proverb: “Shall I set in my staff?”
l52l	Nell	(within the Phoenix)
		 Have at you with another—that’s “When? Can you tell?”
l53l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 If thy name be called Nell, Nell, thou hast answered him well.
l54l		[]
l55l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	(to Nell)
		 Do you hear, you minion? You’ll let us in, I hope?
l56l	Nell	(within the Phoenix)
		 I thought to have asked you.
	Dromio Of Syracuse	
		(within)
		 And you said no.
l57l	Dromio Of Ephesus	So, come help.
		(He and Antipholus beat the door)
		 Well struck! There was blow for blow.
l58l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	(to Nell)
		 Thou baggage, let me in.
	Nell	
		(within the Phoenix)
		 Can you tell for whose sake?
l59l	Dromio Of Ephesus	Master, knock the door hard.
	Nell	
		( 59B within the Phoenix)
		 Let him knock till it ache.
l60l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	You’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
l61l	Nell	(within the Phoenix)
		 What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
		(Enter Adriana within the Phoenix)
l62l	Adriana	(within the Phoenix)
		 Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
l63l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
l64l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	(to Adriana)
		 Are you there, wife? You might have come before.
l65l	Adriana	(within the Phoenix)
		 Your wife, sir knave? Go, get you from the door.
		(Exit with Nell)
l66l	Dromio Of Ephesus	(to Antipholus)
		 If you went in pain, master, this knave would go sore.
l67l	Angelo	(to Antipholus)
		 Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome# we would fain have either.
l68l	Balthasar	In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
l69l	Dromio Of Ephesus	(to Antipholus)
		 They stand at the door, master. Bid them welcome hither.
l70l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
l71l	Dromio Of Ephesus	You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
l72l		Your cake here is warm within: you stand here in the cold.
l73l		It would make a man mad as a buck to be so bought and sold.
l74l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Go fetch me something. I’ll break ope the gate.
l75l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
l76l	Dromio Of Ephesus	A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind#
l77l		Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
l78l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 It seems thou want’st breaking. Out upon thee, hind!
l79l	Dromio Of Ephesus	Here’s too much “Out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in.
l80l	Dromio Of Syracuse	(within the Phoenix)
		 Ay, when fowls have no feathers, and fish have no fin.
l81l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Well, I’ll break in.—Go borrow me a crow.
l82l	Dromio Of Ephesus	A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
l83l		For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather.
l84l		(To Dromio of Syracuse)
		 If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
l85l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Go, get thee gone. Fetch me an iron crow.
l86l	Balthasar	Have patience, sir. O, let it not be so!
l87l		Herein you war against your reputation,
l88l		And draw within the compass of suspect
l89l		Th’ unviolated honour of your wife.
l90l		Once this: your long experience of her wisdom,
l91l		Her sober virtue, years, and modesty,
l92l		Plead on her part some cause to you unknown#
l93l		And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
l94l		Why at this time the doors are made against you.
l95l		Be ruled by me. Depart in patience,
l96l		And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
l97l		And about evening come yourself alone
l98l		To know the reason of this strange restraint.
l99l		If by strong hand you offer to break in
l100l		Now in the stirring passage of the day,
l101l		A vulgar comment will be made of it,
l102l		And that supposèd by the common rout
l103l		Against your yet ungallèd estimation,
l104l		That may with foul intrusion enter in
l105l		And dwell upon your grave when you are dead.
l106l		For slander lives upon succession,
l107l		For ever housed where once it gets possession.
l108l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	You have prevailed. I will depart in quiet,
l109l		And in despite of mirth mean to be merry.
l110l		I know a wench of excellent discourse,
l111l		Pretty and witty# wild, and yet, too, gentle.
l112l		There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
l113l		My wife—but, I protest, without desert—
l114l		Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal.
l115l		To her will we to dinner.
		(To Angelo)
		 Get you home
l116l		And fetch the chain. By this, I know, ’tis made.
l117l		Bring it, I pray you, to the Porcupine,
l118l		For there’s the house. That chain will I bestow—
l119l		Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—
l120l		Upon mine hostess there. Good sir, make haste:
l121l		Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
l122l		I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
l123l	Angelo	I’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
l124l	Antipholus Of Ephesus	Do so.
		(Exit Angelo)
		 This jest shall cost me some expense.
		(Exeunt Dromio of Syracuse within the Phoenix, and the others into the Porcupine)